highway patrolman pulled up alongside a speeding car on
the freeway. As the officer peered through the driver's
window, he was astounded to find that the blonde behind
the wheel was knitting. The trooper cranked down his
window and yelled to the driver, "Pull over!" at the top
of his lungs. "No!" the blonde yelled back, "Scarf!"
A blonde and a brunette are
driving down the highway in a convertible. The brunette
knows that she's speeding so she asks the blonde if
there's a cop behind them. The blonde looks behind her
and sees a cop and tells the brunette. The brunette then
asks if his he's got his lights on. The blonde replies
A blonde went to a hair dresser's
one day, listening to a walkman. The hair dresser asked
her what she wanted, and the blonde replied, "I need to
get my hair trimmed, just make sure that you do not take
these headphones off." The woman looked at the
surprised, but did as she was told. While she was
brushing the blonde's hair, she accidentally bumped the
headphones, knocking them to the ground. As she bent
down to pick them up, the blonde fell over, onto the
floor. The hair dresser was very confused. She picked up
the head phones and listened. This is what she
heard..."breath in...breath out...breath in...breath
A police officer stops a blonde
for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see
her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys
could get your act together. Just yesterday you take
away my license and then today you expect me to show it
A young blonde was on vacation in
the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine
alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant
to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle"
attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted,
"Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I
can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!" The
shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe
you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"
Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps,
set on catching herself an alligator.
Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when
he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the
water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot
alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim,
kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls
it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more
of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in
amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on
its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one
isn't wearing any shoes either!"
Two blondes walking down the
street. One reaches into her pocketbook for a make up
compact and looks into the mirror. "This picture looks
like someone I know" she says. The other one has a look
and says, "Of course dummy, it's ME...."
There were two blondes going to
California for the summer, they are about two hours into
the flight and the pilot gets on the intercom and says
we just lost an engine but it is all right we have three
more but it will take us an hour longer. A half hour
later he gets on the intercom again and says we just
lost another engine but its all right we have two more
it will take us another half hour though. One of the
blondes says "If we lose the two last engines we will be
up here all day"
A brunette says to a blonde "Look!
A dead bird!" and the blonde looks up and says "Where?"
There was a blonde who was taking
her kids to Disney Land. When they were about half way
there, the blonde say a sign that said "Disney Land
Left," so the blonde turned back around and went home.
There was a blonde and a brunette
in an elevator. On their way down, they stop to pick up
another person also on their way down. When the person
got on, the girls noticed that he was pretty cute.
Unfortunately he had dandruff. Finally, on the way off
of the elevator the two girls let the guy go ahead of
them. The brunette turns to the blonde and says "Oh my
god! We need to give him Head and Shoulders." The blonde
then replies "That's a pretty good idea, but how are we
going to give him shoulders?"
A blonde executive was driving by
a field one day when she saw a blonde rowing a boat in
the middle of a dirt field. She drove over to her and
said, "It's idiots like you that give blondes a bad
name, and if I could swim I would come over there and
kick your ass!"
Three women are sitting in a
doctors office waiting for their pregnancy test results.
The Brunette says, "If I'm pregnant it will be a girl
because I was on the bottom." The red head replies,"If
I'm pregnant I will have a boy because I was on top."
The Blonde stops, thinks a minute and and says, "Then
I'm gonna have puppies !"
A couple of blondes were driving
through Louisiana when they came to a sign that told
them they were almost to Natchitoches. They argued all
the way there about how to pronounce the name of the
town. Finally they stopped for lunch. After getting
their food, one of the blondes said to the cashier, "Can
you settle an argument for us? Very slowly, tell us
where we are."
The cashier leaned over the counter and said:
What's the difference between a
rooster and a blonde?
A rooster says cock-le-dood-le-doo...
A blonde says any-cock-le-doo...
A blonde was down on
her luck. In order to raise money, she decided to kidnap
a kid and hold him for ransom. So she went to a
playground, grabbed a kid, and took him behind a tree.
"I've kidnapped you!", said the blonde and then
proceeded to write a note saying, "I've kidnapped your
kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and
place it under the pecan tree next to the playground.
Signed, A Blonde." The Blonde then pinned the note to
the kid's shirt and sent him home to show his parents.
The next morning the
blonde checked under the tree and surely enough, a paper
bad was sitting there. The Blonde opened the bag and
found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you
do this to a fellow blonde?"
Two blondes were in a
parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes
with a coat hanger. They tried and tried to get the door
open, but they just couldn't! The blonde with the coat
hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath. The
other blonde said anxiously, "Hurry up! It's starting to
rain and the top is down."
A blonde, brunette
and redhead woman decided to compete in the Breast
Stroke division of the English Channel swim competition.
The brunette came in first, the redhead second. The
blonde finally reached the shore completely exhausted.
After being revived with blankets and a drink she
remarked, "I don't want to complain, but I'm pretty sure
those other two girls used their arms.
A police officer
pulls over a car with a young blonde driver in it....
Cop : "Miss, this is
a 65 MPH highway, why are you going so slowly?"
Blonde : "Officer, I
saw a lot of signs saying 22, not 65."
Cop : "Oh miss,
that's not the speed limit, that's the name of the
highway you're on!"
Blonde : "Oh! Stupid
me! Thanks for letting me know, Ill be more careful from
At this point the cop
looks into the back seat of the car, where the
passengers are shaking and white as ghosts.
Cop : "Excuse me
miss, what's wrong with your friends back there? They're
shaking something awful."
Blonde : "Oh... We
just got off of highway 119".
Three blondes are
stuck on a desert island and one finds a magic lamp.
They rub it and a genie pops out and gives them each a
wish. the first blonde says, "I wish I was 10% smarter
so I could get off of this island." Then she turns into
a redhead and swims off the island. The second sees what
happens and says "I wish I was 25% smarter so that I can
get off this island!" She then turns into a brunette,
makes a raft from trees and sails off. Finally, the
third blonde says "I wish I was 50% smarter so I can get
off this island." She then suddenly turns into a man and
walks across the bridge.
There were these
three women who escaped from prison. A blonde and two
brunets. So to get away from the cops they hid in an
abandoned farm house. In the farm house there were three
burlap sacks sitting around. So they hid in them. When
the cops came to the farm house the one of the cops saw
the sacks, the officers yells, "There's just three
burlap sacks in here!" To which his partner replies,
"Then kick them just to be sure it's not them hiding".
The officer goes and kicks the one with the brunet in it
and she yells, "MEEEYYOWW!" the officer said "Oh, its
just a stupid cat in there." So he kicks the one with
the other brunet in it and she yells, "RUUFFF RUFFF!",
so the officer says, "Oh, it's just a stupid dog!" Then
he kicks the sack with the blonde in it and she yells,
A teacher is
instructing her fourth grade class, and she's telling
them that the word of the day is 'contagious.' She asks
if anyone can use this word in a sentence, and several
students raise their hands. "Carl," she says. Carl says,
"My dad told me to stay away from kids with mumps 'cause
they're contagious." "Very good," says the teacher. Then
she picks Suzie, who says, "The atmosphere was
contagious." The teacher says, "Excellent, Suzie!" Then
she notices that little Johnny has his hand up at the
back of the class. "Yes, Johnny?" Johnny says, "The
other day, me and my dad's a-sittin' around, and we saw
our blonde neighbour painting her fence. She had a tiny
little model car paintbrush, and she was going in tiny
little strokes up and down the fence, and my dad says to
me, 'Jesus, it's gonna take that cunt ages to finish